A 3-year study of 226 newlywed couples found that people consistently overestimate how anxious and emotionally avoidant their partners are — and they do it because they're projecting their own feelings. The more stressed you are, the more you're likely to see your partner as pulling away. She probably isn't.
The research, published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships and led by Jeewon Oh at Michigan State University, followed couples across three waves of data over 3–4 years. People were generally accurate in tracking their partners' attachment patterns — but they had a consistent bias: they assumed their partner was more anxious and more avoidant than the partner actually reported being.
The most telling detail: unhappy couples were actually more accurate. People in satisfying marriages saw their partners through a slightly rosy lens — projecting less anxiety onto them. Those in rougher patches read their partners' withdrawal more clearly. Which means: if you're exhausted and stressed after a new baby, you may be seeing your partner as colder and more distant than she actually is — filtered through your own fear of being left behind.
The projection mechanism is documented clearly: when you're anxious, you assume your partner is too. When you feel emotionally distant yourself, you read her as avoidant. It's not intentional. It's just how attachment systems work under pressure.
Source: Oh et al., Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, June 19, 2026 · via PsyPost
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